feew.tha.wime~*

my bad

2007-10-21T15:47:07Z

I snapped again a while ago at the mall and it was so embarrassing. I not only yelled at my mom via SMS, I even said very nasty thing about some scatter-brained sales lady.

I felt I had reason to do all that a while ago. But now I feel so bad about it. Especially having shot at my mom like that over the phone. I mean, it wasn't her fault. But I made her feel bad for it. I'M SO CRUEL AND STUPID!!! (hurts self)

Plus if only I exerted enough compassion and intelligence, I should have handled the situation more coolly. Sigh~! What have I done?!

I must apologize to my mom and learn to control my temper.

now i know...

2007-10-21T03:44:35Z

“I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it.” (George Bernard Shaw)

I've been looking for this quote for a while now. My sister quoted this for me a long time ago. But just recently, after that much unpleasant encounter with "Vernon", I've been wanting to quote this for myself as a reminder to never do what I have done that fateful night.

And how appropriate it is for her! Vernon is one very bad pig!

---

I never thought being too nice was bad... or unwanted. Sure I knew it was impossible to expect it of people but I never thought of it as a trait that people would prefer to keep in-check... weird. But then again I guess I had the wrong perception of being "nice/good" all along. The niceness that I thought I was projecting was rather more of a projection of my insecurity than genuine respect and good-naturedness...

After reading this article below, now I have come to realize why I elicit such reactions from people. Which is either that of being belittled, annoyed by or disrespected. This article I think best describes me and what I really have experienced all this time as a result of my wrong perception of kindness.

Very enlightening. Self-respect was and is my biggest problem after all...

Are you too nice? How can anyone be "too nice"? Isn’t being "nice" a good quality to have in a relationship?

Yes, it’s true that people will value niceness in others, but if your way of being nice is to suppress your own needs constantly, you are being too nice for your own good. If you always put the needs of others first, and your own needs last, if you don’t speak out when your own needs are ignored, then you are being too nice for your own good.

When you express your niceness as a sign of genuine respect, kindness and interest in another person, it is a wonderful quality to have. When the "niceness" is a by-product of low self-esteem, passivity, or desperate loneliness, it can be a liability, and can make other people feel uneasy, guilty, or even attract the sort of people who are willing to exploit you.

Have you ever met a person who never expresses their real preferences, opinions, or desires, even in the smallest matters? When someone asks them, "Where do you want to go tonight?" they reply, "I don’t care, anything is fine with me, where do you want to eat?"

A person who won’t state their opinion or preference may think they are being nice, but this is not niceness, this is a form of fearfulness, and a lack of self-respect. Some people develop the trait of never asking for what they want because they were raised in a family where expressing wants or opinions was discouraged, or even disallowed.

They may have been literally taught that they shouldn’t speak up, that they shouldn’t want anything for themselves, and that everyone else’s opinion mattered more than theirs did.

A child who grew up in a family where they weren’t allowed to express their needs or opinions, may grow up believing that this is how the whole world wants them to behave, even after they have become adults. They may find it difficult to take the initiative in any situation involving other people. They may feel uncomfortable or fearful expressing their desires. They may even feel they are being "bad" if they ask for anything.

Although they may think that being extremely passive and refusing to make decisions is their way of "being nice", it isn’t always fun having a person who is this self-effacing as a friend. It can be tiring for the other person in the friendship to have to make every decision just because their passive friend won’t make any.

In relationships that are healthy and satisfying, both people share responsibility equally when making plans and decisions.

If you believe that being nice means never asking for anything for yourself, it’s important to learn to pay attention to your needs, to respect yourself, and to ask for what you want and need. Take your turn making decisions with others. Make your needs and preferences heard.

If you find your wishes are always being ignored, take a close look at why this is happening and see how you can change it.

*(This article was written by Royane Real)

moving out

2007-10-20T08:13:30Z

It's definite. Lee and her family will be moving out this Sunday. (Best of Luck Lee!) You're one tough cookie I know that. Although you've been under a lot of stress you still manage to get through with a lot of grace. Ganbatte! And I hope you new home would bring you more good fortune and happiness.

Originally, Lee and I planned to have our cooking lessons this Sunday, but because they are moving, it will be temporarily postponed. But here in I listed all the ingredients that I was supposed to buy for our first lessons in cooking. Because I love pasta so much, that's what she would be teaching me to prepare first.

1. pasta of my choice (i was planning to get those "angel hair" ones but Lee makes the regular pasta taste really good so either one will be perfect)
2. olive oil (i like healthy oil)
3. canned mushroom (should I get the really fresh ones? i'm just not very comfortable with canned anything...)
4. onions
5. garlic
6. bell peppers (Lee said i can get both the green and red ones to add a nice presentation to the pasta... coolness)
7. eggplant (never ate pasta with this before... i'm excited to see how we'll be adding this to the recipe)
8. zucchini (only seen one in pictures - not sure what it taste like but i'm willing to try)
9. butter
10. cheese
--- and for the siding
11.baguette
12. soft cheese

Yum! Can't wait to get started with all those. (Waiting patiently though)

oh kamisama i ask for your grace!

2007-10-19T10:00:08Z

I have yet to sit down and plan my Ishihime fic. Damn! If only I believed in myself more I know this task would just be a piece of cake! Why am I sooo putting myself down?! This is definitely the reason why I don't want to read other people's fic... I get so darn insecure. Especially with the really good ones.

Will I ever be able to muster enough strength to write my own fic? Why don't I just damn get down to business! I can do this. I can do this!

Just do it! Damn it! <_<;

Damn it!Damn it!Damn it!Damn it!Damn it!Damn it!Damn it!Damn it!Damn it!Damn it!

beautiful things!

2007-10-16T05:36:46Z

This week has been really busy and fun, fun, fun!

I've got Ishihime in the brain and I'm loving it. Been very preoccupied with planning my first fic, art work and stuff dedicated to them. Sigh. Ishida's birthday is coming up and what better time for me to dedicate a good Ishihime fic than to him on his birthday!

I've already thought up of a plot. Of course it's A.U. I've always liked A.U. stories.

I guess I feel this way because I find so much pressure having to write a fic based on the canon series because there are a lot of technicalities that one would have to consider and not to mention a storyline to base on!

Writing an A.U. on the other hand gives me more freedom to explore and be creative.

I'm so happy!

Lee has taken me in as her apprentice chef! One of these days we will be starting our cooking lessons and I am just simply overjoyed by the prospect of learning to cook.

Although we only have almost one and a half days every weekend for lessons, I'm sure we will still find time to squeeze our agenda. I'm so excited!

ame

2007-10-09T08:54:17Z

The rain began to drop lightly, cooling the air around instantly.

I had just put on my running shoes and was just about to take an afternoon jog when I sensed the rain coming.

I wanted so bad to run. But I don't feel disappointed about the rain either.

Deep inside...

I've been waiting for the rain the whole day.... and now that it has finally come, it washed over me a sense of relaxation.

I feel happy.

Maybe I'll just play tennis tomorrow...